In August, 2006 I wrote to my friend that I just discovered I was a twin. From Ecuador her response was , “Twin??? Literally? Do tell!” So I began to tell her. ..
Yes, twin as in twin. When I was working at the hospital as director of Arts in Health Care we piloted a very successful art program for cancer survivors. Art ‘n Soul met on Friday mornings, every week we had a new project for our 2 1/2 hour class. I would tell the participants, “It’s about the process, in the metaphor.” We had many amazing things happen. Creativity is just that way.
One week we had a project where we put ink on a printers block, rolled it out (print style) and then each one would place a piece of white paper upon this slab of rolled ink. The plan was to then use your fingers and run them over the surface… not in a specific way, but in a motion. The white paper was then lifted from the block, many wonderful abstract type of items appeared thru this exercise. I did the example piece. The thing was, what appeared on the paper was quite extraordinary .
When we all put our work on the board to look over it, mine was, unmistakably, two little ones. They were in a circle/womb like thing. That was over 3 years ago. I put the paper away and didn’t think much more of it. I didn’t know how to think about this.
And, as you know, I have always written my “Joshua looking for Caleb” poetry. My wanderings, my searching. and in that mix is the fear of being found out. That’s always been an issue for me, like being ” found out” in various abilities and giftings. My dear mentor Dr. Kennedy would often ask me why I wanted to stay at the 50-yard line when I could go far beyond… I told him it was because I just wanted to fit in and to feel safe. He always challenged me on that level. Well, in February I had an experience while meditating where I was really afraid. I was in the womb and didn’t want to come out. The short version is, I was deeply aware that I had had a twin in my mother’s womb .
But my twin didn’t come out with me. My twin died. The doctors thought he was the only baby, they didn’t even know I was in there. This was over 50 years ago, long before ultra sound. They wanted to do a D&C but my mother refused. It was no wonder I was afraid. I “relived” all of this during this meditation. Following this experience, I began to put pieces together in my life. Things that hadn’t made sense prior to this now did. I had been told that when I was two months old I cried all the time. As a child I remember great sadness. I was hospitalized at two months because the doctor thought something was wrong with me. There was no physical problem, I just was very, very sad.
In March 2005, all my siblings came together in Washington, DC to celebrate my biological mom’s 80th birthday. I asked her while making dinner for a family gathering, “Was I a twin?” She looked at me, tears running down her face. “ I can’t believe you’re asking me this,” she said. Then she began to weep. She recounted the entire story, how she had lost the one baby, how the doctor wanted to do a D&C because no one knew I was there and then, upon discovering she was still pregnant months later the doctor researched out for information about one twin dying in the womb. She never was able to mourn for this loss. I showed her a small Xeroxed version of my art, she was shocked. She had never talked about this before.
When I arrived back to my home in the desert, I asked my father’s wife if my father, now deceased, has ever talked about this. I was told that he had spoken of it with his wife, Barbara. “He didn’t want you to know”, she said. “He thought it would make you too sad.”
“I’ve been sad all my life,” I said. “And now I know why.” Finally these missing pieces in my life began to give me great understanding.
I had a chance to mourn for my lost twin. I mourned and I have come to peace with this. It was an amazing moment in time. Twinless twins have many similar experiences as I did. This uncovering knowledge was a gift, albeit a painful gift. I understand myself in a newer and deeper way.
That’s the short version….
Love, Annie
PS But there is more, much more that I don’t always discuss…I was given a dream shortly after the twin meditation experience where there was a black and white drawing of my twin and I. It was similar but not the same as the art I created that first day. My twin’s portrayl was incomplete and in the dream I picked up a brush and finishing his portrait.
There have been many times over the years when a man my age would come to me in my dreams. He helps me. After this experience I understood who he was. He helps me. He still does.
(c) Diane L. Mathias, all rights reserved
